Saturday, 5 August 2017

Patter song.

"So do you get time off? Will you be going on vacation?"
"Sure, in two weeks."
"For how long?"
"Two weeks. Or nine months. I've not decided yet."

For the past two months, I've been working more or less none stop. I can proudly (or perhaps, despairingly) say that I've not worked this hard and this much since I started in this business. Each shift has clocked in at around 11 hours, and damn if it hasn't paid off. This has been the single most lucrative summer I've ever worked, and I feel quite pleased with myself. I can now start school slightly richer than my classmates.

For now I am on vacation and happy to aggressively spend as much time I can  doing as little as possible.

But don't worry. While I may have gone on hiatus as far as taxi-driving goes, there's still a bunch of stories from this summer and last year that I've not told yet. I won't be updating as often as I have, but there will be updates.

One of the things I do when I'm not working is engage in pointless creative amusement. For some reason, I ended up in a youtube freefall and discovered this gem from Gilbert and Sullivan's  The Mikado.

This is only one of many, many 
many versions of this song.

This song has a long and proud tradition of being rewritten to reflect current and local annoyances. I decided to give it a try. Don't worry, I'll be back to my usual tricks later on. For now, I hope you enjoy my exercise in pomposity.

A little list (Taxi version)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list - I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed - who never would be missed!
There's the drivers on the street who never give the right of way
and the people in the back-seat saying "Lots to do today?"
All suicidal morons who refuse to wear the belt.
and those who turn the heater up until your eyeballs melt. 
And those who  think my taxi is the right place for their tryst.
They'd none of them be missed - they'd none of them be missed!

Chorus: He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed

There's the racist who is tolerant, and has got an open mind,
or so he does insist - I've got him on the list!
And the bratty little princess whose card was just declined.
They never would be missed - they never would be missed!
Not to mention all the sports fans who demand I make the call
"Which team of sweaty men do you prefer to kick a ball?"
And all the country bumpkins who believe the height of class
is a slurry made of vodka and red-bull poured in a glass. 
And the raving drunk pedestrian whom my bumper barely missed
You bet he's on the list - I've got him on the list.

Chorus: He's got him on the list - he's got him on the list
And next time he won't be missed - next time he won't be missed.

There's the weak-chinned little hipster, whose moustache is undeserved
with an iWatch on his wrist - I've got him on the list!
The misogynistic neckbeard for whom hygene is unheard
They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed
The obnoxious party people who can't operate the door
who vomit gastric fluids mixed with cocktails on the floor.
The fares that call a taxi, and then show up far too late
And those who have the gall to ask if I will fix the rate.
And all the new-age assholes who on supplements subsist
For now they're on the list - one day they'll meet my fist!

For now they're on the list - for now they're on the list
But in time they'll meet his fist - one day they'll meet his fist!

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