Note: In preparation for writing entries, I use the recording function on my phone. Sometimes I record brief summaries of a fare, and on occasion (if I'm smooth enough) I actually record the conversation during the fare. Tonight, I don't feel like doing anything fancy, so I'm just going to give you the transcript of that final fare.
Incidentally, the guy was a black American. Hence the dialect. I'm not trying to do anything culturally apropriative or write in a voice I am in no position to use. It's simply what he said, and how he said it, transcribed directly from the recording. The language we used is coarse, but if that's a problem for you, I suppose you wouldn't be reading my work. Some of his views are problematic to me, but in the end, but I still feel we had a good conversation.
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Crabby Cabby (CC)
Fare (F)
CC: ...sure. Forgive me, it's... been kind of a rough night.
F: Yeah, rough for me as well. She got naked as fuck, We were about to get it, and she said 'Noo, I don't wanna do it' at the last minute. I say: 'Ok, fine. Fuck it. All right, cool, we cool.' And so she felt so bad she didn't want to fuck, you know, so she like: ' Why don't I pay for your cab?' I say: 'That's very fucking nice of you.'
CC: <laugh>
F: 'Even if you took me home, and got naked, you don't want to do it, that's your choice'.
CC: Of course.
F: I said: 'Aight, cool, I'll just put on my clothes, cause I don't wanna be in your house'. And she felt really bad so she said: 'Let me pay for your taxi' and I said OK. I'm not upset, shit., She gave me 400 for the taxi, so fuck it, you know?
CC: Bless her. ... Oh man... You know, I just came from the opposite situation, actually.
F: Yeah?
CC: Yeah... I picked up this girl in this area somewhere and she was crying. I gave her a napkin, and asked her if she was OK, and she told me that she had just been raped.
F: Oh shit...
CC: She didn't use the word, but what she told me... She wasn't sure she had been, she kept blaming herself... What had happened was that the day before yesterday, she'd been out with a friend and... They had gotten drunk and ended up at his place. They had a history- they had made out like once before... Anyway, so he offered her a pill and told her it was ecstasy. He said 'I'll take half, you'll take half, it'll feel great, fucking on ecstasy'. She said: 'No, I don't want to have sex with you', and he had been all like: 'Aw come on, come on, just try it. ' So she takes the pill, because she was drunk and curious. And then... I mean, I don't do drugs, but as far as I know, ecstasy doesn't cause you to black out-
F: No, he gave her a roofie.
CC: He gave her a fucking roofie, because she... she didn't feel any pleasure. Just very heavy. And she blacked out and he had to slap her to wake her up. And you know... He fucked her. And the day after... today, she contacted him and she met with him and asked him like 'What the fuck?' and he was really cold to her and said: 'Oh come on, you chose to take the pill, you wanted it', whatever. And she felt so dirty. And so cheap and stupid for taking the pill. She kept blaming herself. And you know.. she didn't know what to do, and I couldn't do shit. All I could say was again and again: He used you. What you're telling me sounds like fucking rape. You're not dirty and not cheap. He wronged you. Call the police. Call a lawyer. Get in touch with a support group.
F: Well you know, even though there's drugs involved, he got away with rape.
CC: Yeah!
F: Cause in Sweden is like... if you been drinking or been taking drugs, then that shits not gonna go nowhere.
CC: There is a law against it, but its hard to prove.
F: Right.
CC: It's so sickening! And she kept blaming herself...
F: No, its not her fault. And what he did, he knew what the fuck he was doing. So like I said before, in that case... I mean, if this was in America, he'd be looking at motherfucking 15 years .. and then on top of that, where the fuck is her Father? Cause if I was her brother, or father, I'd be pounding his ass to the ground. Oh you gonna slip my sister, a roofer, my daughter? I'd be pounding to the motherfucking pavement.
CC: Damn straight! I had to tell her: 'He couldn't seduce you while he was sober, so he had to use drugs. He's scum, he's a low piece of shit. Ah, god damn it..."
F: My sister dated this dude... He was a police officer. Man, I said 'Oh, you gonna hit my sister? OK.' He didn't know I was visiting her that time, so I grabbed his fucking ass by the throat and was gonna drop him off the fire escape, six stories. I said: I'll fucking kill you. I don't give a fuck, you don't put your hands on my sister. I came to find out that he was the inside man for drug dealers, letting them know when the police would come around...
CC: Oh really?
F: but they didn't know he was a cop, until one of them got arrested and saw him at the station in his uniform. Go figure... And I was like 'Get the fuck out of here'. He said: 'Your brother's crazy' and I said: 'Damn right. You don't hit my fucking relatives. And that's what I'm saying.. the girl you talked about, I understand. She's confused, she might not tell nobody. This is gonna be her secret, she probably won't tell nobody shit, unless she has a fucking mental breakdown.
CC; I asked her: Do you have any friends, anyone who can support you in this? She couldn't answer, she didn't know, she wasn't sure. She wasn't even sure if she'd been wronged! She just felt stupid... Fucking disgusting.
F: I tell you right now.. I have a son, and I told him: You ever do some shit like that, what I would do is take you over to her man's house and let him skin you alive and sit there and just watch. After she skinned your ass alive, I'd ask 'Did you learn your lesson?' and I'd call the police, say 'This motherfucker did it' and lock his ass up. I told him, don't ever do shit like that.
I mean, take this girl right here. She was butt-ass naked. Everything off. At the last minute, she said no. I said fine. She started apologizing and shit, and I said: 'Why the fuck are you apologizing? You said no.' - 'Oh, but I feel bad-' No, you said no. It's OK! I'm fine with it. - Oh, you can take the little shortcut...
CC: Through Hook Square?
F: Yeah, its a small road, blink and you'll miss it.... She kept apologizing, and I said: Stop. Don't apologize. Its OK.
CC: That's the thing, consent! It can be withdrawn at any time and that should be respected.
F: I think a lot of women when they have sex with guys, especially here, they have sex with guys and they feel guilty as shit afterwards, because they did something they didn't want to do. But no is no. So I'm glad I don't have a daughter, cause I'd flip my lid if she told me 'this dude did this' - 'Oh yeah? Where the fuck he live at?'. I'd dress in all black, and jump in and club the shit out of him. Hey motherfucker, you fucked with the wrong family. Its just crazy, I never understood why a man would get down like that.
CC: They think women owe them something. I read this thing by Margaret Cho... Basically what she said is that we teach our children that sex is something women have and men are supposed to get it. Instead of seeing it as something two people do together. I think that's very true, women are expected to guard it, and when some men can't get it, they'll try to take it. They feel owed. It's so fucked up...
F: Yeah, especially in my circumstances. But its bullshit. She just kept apologizing for something that she did that wasn't even wrong. Don't fell bad about that, you know?
CC: Also, its just fucking sex. You can have it at any time.
F: I tell women all the time... men.. we're willing to throw our bodies to women. We'll give up our bodies for anything, we say 'Oh I'll fucking take it!' I told my friend: 'If you want to know if a man cares for you, he'll give you more of his time than his body'. Cause men... we'll put the dick on you in a heartbeat! It don't mean shit, you know? But when we give up our time, we like you, you know?
CC: That's what we've been taught to do, how we've leaned to approach sex and women... I don't know, man, it's... <sigh> I see this shit all the time, I've driven so many battered women. I've driven assholes who will talk about women like fucking toys, playthings. They have such hate for women, and yet they want to fuck them.
F: That's misogyny.
CC: Yeah. If you have that level of disrespect and disdain for women, why the hell are you fucking them? Why not just go gay and be done with it?
F: It's about pleasure. Domination. It's not even about sex. It's about power. I mean... And women can have fucked up views on it to, you know? Women are always surprised when I say: OK, I gotta go home now. This girl last Friday, was like.. 'You don't wanna fuck?' 'No, I got laundry and I gotta clean my house'. 'You telling me that you'd rather clean your house than have sex with me?' 'Yeah. I'm down to my last pair of underwear and socks! And my house gotta get clean'. And she looked at me... I guess she got offended because I said that getting my shit together was more important than fucking her.
CC: So she had the wrong idea about sex as well. She had this great gift to give you, and you wouldn't accept it.
F: That's right. I remember one time, I was delivering newspapers, and this girl, she wanted to fuck in my car and I said no, and she started crying, saying 'You don't respect me', and I said: 'No, you got it wrong, cause the men you're fucking with, don't feel responsibility. I gotta get this money! And she just got upset!' And the girl last Friday... I said: 'I need to get shit done, we can fuck another day', and now she ain't returning my calls.
CC: <laugh> Not worth it, man... That's 165, please.
F: <Laugh> Sure.
CC: Well, I'm glad I got to get this off my chest, cause driving that girl... hearing her story really fucked me up.
F: Sex is important, but its not everything. That's the thing... If I didn't give a fuck about that, I'd fuck all day every day. And I'd cum and I'll leave you there I be like 'Oh you didn't cum?'
CC: 'Your loss, baby!'
F: My friend told his girl: 'You either come when I come, or you come when I come back'. And that's his girlfriend! Ain't that some shit? ... Well, I'm glad to have this conversation with you, cause I just know for a fact... he did her wrong.
CC: He fucking did. It was good meeting you.
F: Definitely, brother man. Take care.
CC: I'll see you around.
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EDIT: I realize that it might seem like I made this all about myself. That it was such a sad thing for me to experience meeting a rape victim and this nice guy came along and made me feel better. That's not the intention. Rather, I couldn't really come up with any decent way to write about the subject. I can only write about so many tragic meetings with rape culture before it starts looking like I'm just a passive observer ('but I'm such a nice guy! Look how much I care!'). I wanted it published, and this impromptu (and problematically male) discussion of the experience seemed the only decent way to make the point.
Because no matter how many nice Americans I might drive, it doesn't change the fact that out there is a woman who's trust and body were violated. I hope she has people who will support her. I hope she'll dare to take action. I hope to God this experience hasn't broken her and whatever support I offered her did her some good.
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